Insomnia

Today I have gone almost one week without talking to the kids. They accompanied their cousins on a trip to the river house and are currently on their way to stay with them for the rest of the week. During this time I have discovered that I have been at peace with not talking to them on a regular basis. I find this to be a positive thing, and let me explain why.

Although my kids are on my mind daily, I have discovered that I do not need them. Please don't misunderstand me when I say this. Those children are every emotion that I have everyday: the are my happiness, my elation, my awe, my anger, frustration, and my drive. They give me purpose and give me the fortitude to strive to be better than I was yesterday. I miss them and love them dearly, but I think that if I needed them, that I would place pressure on them that would be unnecessary. They are supposed to need Robert and I. What I do need is the knowledge that they are safe, happy, and healthy. That alone has been enough to get me through those days when I have not been able to visit with them. That day almost ten years ago when that sweet blue eyed boy came into our lives, was the day that I was given purpose. He brought order to my chaos by simply existing. Three years later, the planets in my universe aligned when the girl was born. I am acutely aware of how blessed I am. Through this time, I have struggled with the fact that I have not crawled into a hole of misery without them, essentially, I have been somewhat guilt ridden. I think that that comes along with a mother's conscious. If I really think about why I am here, it is because of the three people back at home. I would have never have had this opportunity nor fought for this opportunity if it was not for them. I do not want to be a person that uses my family as an excuse for not accomplishing things that I dream of doing. They are my reason. My reason that I understand that anything is possible. I know this because those three dears would not have dropped into my life. I am no better than any person I walk by in the street. I have done nothing to deserve my wonderful husband and beautiful, talented and intelligent children (if I do say so myself). Knowing that, only means one thing--that I have them in my life to be better for them, to include them in my dreams in hopes that one day they will have the knowledge that many things are, in fact, possible. And although someone will always be better or smarter or wealthier that they will be, they can rest assured that they did what they wanted to do--on their own terms. All I hope for are that they are healthy and happy; to have an appetite for life, no matter what it is they choose to do with it. If I have nothing more, that will be enough. I hope that Rob and I can teach them along the way to be kind, open-minded, independent, and motivated. My challenge? Well that will be to remember that they are not an extension of me, they are their own person with their own ideas of success and happiness. So, tonight I am thinking of them and wishing them to have a fun and fabulous week--while being safe and smart (as I am still a door locker and fact checker). As I have said before, they are in capable and loving hands, so there is nothing more I can ask for and I will be counting the days until they join me on this little adventure, because the truth is, life is more colorful when they are around.

So, it is off to bed for me. I had these thoughts dancing around in my head and usually, they taunt me until I get them off my chest......or take some ambien. Obviously, I went with the former. I hope this was not too much information for you. What I do feel like I need to explain is that I do not feel comfortable using their names a lot on the Internet. I know it seems silly, but that comes with my cautious nature. So, for blog purposes they will be referred to as the boy and the girl. Those terms come with all the love and respect that I have for them. Which is insurmountable. Goodnight...for real this time.